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I haven't had anything prolific to share...

That's the thought I've been battling with for months now.

In all transparency, I've been struggling to share in fear of sounding negative or pessimistic. I'm human. I have to remind myself that there's an actual person sitting here, typing their little heart out. I also have to remind myself that it's all worth sharing. What's the point here if I can't share the ugly thoughts? None! This space is pointless if it's always with my best mindset game. It's unrealistic too. We all have struggles.

Here's where I've been mentally; I've realized I don't want to be at the mercy of an employer anymore, especially during a global pandemic. Your health, your safety, your opinion, none of it matters. You work or you don't work. Coming from the corporate world, this peeves me. I quit a decent job and risked financial security to be a full time Mom. I had to go back to work primarily out of necessity. When I say that out loud I feel ashamed. I very much imagined my life to be so much more by now. I've gone backwards... I hate when regret creeps in like that. I consume the world around me, and judge myself. Then fear and doubt drop in waiting to embrace me like old friends I haven't seen in a while. The pity party gets real and it gets real fast.

These dilemmas of mine are not new or isolated. I am not the only degree holder with a desire to earn a decent salary from a source that values their time and needs. I'm also not the only working parent having to decide between working, or staying home with the kids. This stuff happens all the time. The pandemic just put them front and center on full display for me. True or not, I couldn't continue to overlook the heightened sense of inadequacy this year.

As I sit and reflect, I understand that disappointment is normal because life itself is not linear. My life took some detours (lots of them) and I can only work to accept the current conditions for what they are, moments in time.

I am living a moment in time that will change at any given moment.

That small reminder is my saving grace. It's how I practice acceptance, and push forward with hope. I am hopeful that all the detours will make sense one day.

When you're disappointed in yourself, be mindful to the thoughts you're fueling through obsessive repetition. Negative thoughts aren't any more true because you keep repeating them. More importantly, don't define yourself by said negativity. You may feel stuck, and off track, but understand your journey is unique. Your life is unique! Affirm that daily.

I've also realized... Accolades, titles, money, all the things that can make us feel inferior, they're not true indications of success or happiness. They don't necessarily make us better people either. Remember that when you're beating yourself up with shortcoming thoughts.

My greatest accomplishment will always be time well spent with the people I love most, my children.

No matter where this chapter leads, I'll cherish and respect this season for what it is, my beautiful life.

Walk gently friends,

Xx Dee


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